Earlier this month, I spent a weekend away in Michigan. It had been far too long since I had seen my Mom and spent time with my sister. My niece’s baby shower provided the perfect excuse to purchase a plane ticket, clear my calendar, and head north.
Saying Hello is Much Easier Than Saying Goodbye
Trips back to Michigan are much different now that my father has passed away and my Mom has moved into an assisted living facility. Instead of staying at my Mom’s place, I hang out at my sister’s—which is wonderful. It gives us lots of time to catch up, hang out, and play our favorite card game.
On the last day of my visit, my sister and I took my Mom shopping. She is only good for about an hour of shopping. Then the process becomes overwhelming and Mom gets anxious to get back to her place. In some ways, this is a good thing. She is clearly settled and happy in her new home. But, it also means the time Mom and I spend together when I’m in Michigan is extremely short. I hadn’t really anticipated how limited our time would be before this last visit. Instead, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Amy and I dropped Mom off after our shopping trip, just in time for Sunday dinner back at her new home. (She chose dinner at her place over lunch out with us. Fair enough.)
We took her inside (in the back door so none of her friends would be jealous that she had gotten out for a shopping trip) and I said my goodbyes just inside the back door. My sister helped mom find a seat in the dining room and signed her back in. And that’s when it hit me: this is what visiting Mom would be like from here on out. Quick outings to the store. A short dinner out. A few stolen moments here and there.
Our time together is short. Very, very very short.
When Amy returned from getting Mom settled, I couldn’t hide the tears. I told her how difficult it was to realize how little time I have left with my Mom. Sure, there are phone calls, and there will be future visits…but those visits won’t add up to very many hours.
My sister gave me a hug and shared this wise advice. “Live in the now,” she said. “When you’re with Mom, focus on making those moments meaningful and fun.”
Somehow that simple advice made a world of difference. It stuck with me and I’ve realized that her advice doesn’t just apply to my Mom. I have been living in—and worrying about—the future in other areas of my life, too. I’ve been feeling sad that Collin will be heading off to college in two years, and Kailea will be following just two years after that. It’s pretty amazing, really, how much I’ve been thinking about that and living in the future. But being sad about inevitable future events simply robs you of now. And you know what? Now is all we’ve got.
If you find yourself worrying about the future, or feeling sad about inevitable future events, I hope you too will embrace my sister’s sage advice. Live in the now. Make today as meaningful and fun as possible. We can’t change the past and we can’t predict the future. So let’s take control of the only thing we can—which is now.
Sage advice indeed! Not only can it bring us peace and focus, but it frees us from anxiety over things we cannot expect or anticipate. On this anniversary of 9/11, this reminder is particularly relevant!
Thanks, Seana! Appreciate your comment. 🙂
Maybe it’s because I just spent a week with my family, but this post really hit home for me. My folks are in their 80s and still in very good shape, but I too am starting to look to the finish line, instead of just cherishing the time I do have with them.
Just curious – what is the card game that you & your sister played? We managed to get in rounds of Quiddler and Hanabi (cards), Scrabble, and Ticket to Ride (which my brother loved, I think we have his Christmas present figured out).
Thanks for a very thoughtful post!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
My sister and I love to play a card game called Scrunch. Loads of fun. 🙂
Such a great post and message. With a sophomore in high school and others following him out the door, the future has been on my mind far too much lately. Thanks for the redirect.
Thank you, Tiffany! Glad my post connected with you.
Wonderfully written Aby! I couldn’t hide my tears either….
And so true! Thanks for reminding us of making the most of “now”. Luckily I have a nice outing planned with my mom this Thursday. I will definitely enjoy it.
Hi, Petra,
I hope you and your Mom have a wonderful time together on Thursday. Thanks so much for sharing your comment. Always nice to hear from you.
~ Aby
Wow–this really hit home for me too–esp thinking about my kids (who are only 9 and 6) yet I STILL find myself focusing on the “little” time I have left with them as I watch nieces and nephews attend and graduate college–how many precious moments wasted worrying about that–no more. And they are so young I’m embarrassed I do this! My new motto is Live in the Now! Thanks so much for such a timely post.
Love you new motto Tracy! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. 🙂
How blessed to still have your mother alive. Yes, enjoy the now with her and with your kids.
Thank you Stasia!
oh yeah that hits me too
worrying about the future is something i’m very good in
always have to redirect myself into the now
thank you for sharing this advice from your sister
so i can feel that i don’t stand alone
lg birgit
You don’t stand alone, Brigit. I’m right there beside you. Hugs!!
Great reminder to live in the now. I am taking my mom to the Drs on Friday. Instead of dwelling on her getting older, I’ll live in the now and focus on the great times we have right now. . Thank you!
Yes!! Thank YOU for your comment, Valeri! Hope you and your mom had a lovely time together on Friday.
Thank you for this awesome message, Aby! I got teary-eyed while reading it, as I am coming up on the third anniversary of losing my mother to Parkinson’s and am dealing with my father’s dementia (we are slowly losing him in front of our eyes). I have just one son and I was able to make it through his high school graduation, then his college graduation earlier this year, and in five more months, he’ll graduate as a 2ndLt in the Marines. When you build a strong relationship with each of your loved ones, you never really lose them, even though circumstances appear to separate you at times. : )
Oh Diane, thank you so much for sharing these words: When you build a strong relationship with each of your loved ones, you never really lose them, even though circumstances appear to separate you at times. So wise and beautiful! Thank you. 🙂
Hello Aby,
Your words and story touched my heart as you painted such a very real picture of your life right now. I cried some tears for you too! And memories of my last conversations and visits with my parents certainly came to mind.
Amy is a wise soul and her words work for all stages of life…I wish I had rocked my baby to sleep rather than putting him in his crib, now I need to put those words into place to sit on the floor and play LEGOS when he asks me to play with him. I need to be in the moment when I go see my aging in laws a few weeks from now. I can go on and on!
Thanks for sharing something so tender and personal with us.
Marie
p.s. My family room is coming together and little bits of color are being added, one little (reading) corner at a time!
Thank you for your comment Marie! So nice to hear from you. Glad the words touched you and inspired you to think about things differently. And I’m so excited to hear your family room is coming together! Yay, you!!
Thank you for sharing your tender heart. Each moment with my mom became more precious and pure gold as she slipped away due to cancer. I have an overflowing memory bank and even now would love to have another hour with her….but back then I lived for the now and am so thankful for that advise. Enjoy each moment, be sure to laugh and the time will be precious. Appreciate you. 🙂
Aw thanks so much, Kathy. I’m so sorry that you lost your Mom to cancer. That is how we lost my Dad, too. The final days with him are ones I will cherish forever.
Hugs to you,
Aby
Wow, this comes at the perfect time for me. With a child due to head off to Uni in 1.5 years and my poor health (fibromyalgia) I’m been definitely not really living in the moment. I’m usually either reminising about the past years and good old times or thinking/worrying about getting old. I’m lucky enough to still have my Mum & Dad (living right next door) and will definitely follow your advice and try to live in the now and appreciate life right now (even if it’s a more difficult stage).
Thank you, Libby. It’s nice to hear from you. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough spot right now. I’m glad my words connected with you.
Hugs,
Aby
Beautiful Aby!! 🙂
Thank you, Rachel. 🙂
Aby,
So glad you do get those short visits with your Mom. I know we all worry about our children, and throw in the worry of parents with that, it is easy to be concerned with the future and the moments we will face. Thank you for sharing a tender piece of your heart!
Lisa
Thank you for your comment Lisa!
Thank you for this. I needed it today =)
Thanks, Andrea. Hugs to you!
Thanks for sharing, Aby. The time we spend with loved ones may indeed be limited, but love for them is timeless and unlimited. A good reminder to stay in the now! And enjoy.
Wise words. Thank you, Lisa!
I hope you will enjoy many more good times with your mom. These precious moments with loved ones are bittersweet.
Thank you, Jeri!
Aby, this was so meaningful. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Aby, it is true that we are of an age where we face the ageing of both, our parents and our children. Our brain knows that the natural course of life is for them to leave us, each one in a different way. But the heart doesn’t know about reason and when we get those flashes of realization of what it is to come, we feel overwhelmed. My motto has always being to enjoy my loved ones, not to suffer them and that makes me look for opportunities in which we can enjoy each others company to make memories that won’t fade when they are gone and to reconnect with those that are away. Thank you for your insight.