The first time I went to my husband’s house, long before we were married, I marveled at his CD collection—or more precisely, at how much it overlapped with my CD collection. I took that as a very good sign. I remember thinking, “Wow, we are so similar.”
And we are. Tom and I laugh at the same things. We have nearly identical political views. We share the same core values. We like the same kinds of ice cream.
But in one area, we are utter opposites: our tolerance for clutter.
I cannot stand clutter, but as far as I can tell, my husband doesn’t even see it. I wrote earlier about how our house became disorganized after a series of big life changes. This caused me genuine anguish. It didn’t bother Tom a bit.
I won’t lie: sometimes this mismatch is hard on me. I haven’t always handled it well, and I will admit to my share of outbursts. But over the years, Tom and I have come to a comfortable middle ground on dealing with clutter. It’s not what either of us would have chosen if we lived on our own. But since we’ve chosen to live together, we’ve each made compromises.
I think the principle of compromise is very important here. Some people advise that when one partner is organized and the other isn’t, the organized one should take on the burden of keeping things neat. That would never work for me! I’d be very resentful if my husband didn’t pitch in on something he knew was important to me. But of course this works both ways: I need to respect Tom’s preferences too.
Here’s what helped me make peace with our mismatched tolerances for clutter:
- I analyzed the clutter. I realized that Tom’s clutter is purely visual. In other words, it has never interfered with any important tasks or responsibilities. Tom doesn’t lose things. We are not late on bills. There are no safety issues. In fact, Tom is extremely organized in his digital life. (I actually think he over-organizes his email and photos!) He just doesn’t care how his surroundings look.
- I made a sincere effort to see the issue from Tom’s perspective. This was hard, but I stopped taking the clutter personally. I reminded myself that clutter didn’t bother Tom and he put a higher priority on other things. (Of course, he did the same for me, acknowledging that I did put a high priority on reducing clutter.)
- I accepted different standards for different spaces. In our house, the rule is that public spaces stay neat—or as neat as they can for a busy family. So in our kitchen, entryway, and family room, I get to demand a high level of organization. The same for our bedroom—I want it to feel relaxing, and clutter there would stress me out. But Tom keeps his side of our bedroom closet the way he wants it, even though I’m itching to purge and sort. He keeps his home office as messy as he wants, with no comments from me. (OK, that last part is lie—I can’t always stop myself from offering my opinion.)
- My most important tip? Focus on what’s most important. I try to remember that Tom truly doesn’t care about clutter, and that for him, decluttering is extra (and unimportant) work. But he does a lot of it anyway, because he loves me. I’ll take that over an uncluttered closet any day!
Do you have a partner whose attitude toward clutter is different from yours? How have you handled the situation?
I really liked the very last point that you made…”But he does a lot of it anyway, because he loves me. I’ll take that over an uncluttered closet any day!” I like your priorities. Compromise has been the key in our home as well. Aby and I share a walk-in closet and she’s fine with letting me organize my side any way I like. Our methods are a bit different, but that’s fine with both of us. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Thank you, Jay. I do have my moments when I’m not as “at peace” as I should be, but I try really hard to keep my priorities straight!
I used to be the cluttered person in our family, and at some point something clicked and I flipped to being the organized one. I still struggle with clutter some, but I’m much better than I used to be and I make an effort to keep our home neat and tidy.
My wife has a couple of clutter spots that frustrate me a bit, but I tend to overlook it. It’s not really up to me how she chooses to stay organized, and it’s really only in a couple spots in our home. When I can, I help out too, by picking up some of her things.
We’ve actually come a long way together and much of that has been open and honest communication. That even led to use selling our house and downsizing to a smaller apartment.
I love your story! And how you’ve “come a long way together.” That’s the important part. And I envy you for downsizing–that is a dream of mine but I’m not sure when it will come true. 🙂
Nancy, you have such a great perspective on this, and it’s an issue I would say most people do face in their close relationships! Thanks so much for your post. 🙂
Thanks Jennifer! I try my best to keep my perspective!
Hmmm. Great article. I’m in the process of trying to “convince” (tho that’s not quite the right word) the husband and kids that we should consider a minimalist life style. It’d make cleaning easier, allow for more free time, and be so much easier to move. We are a military family and have an overseas move in a year, so if we started now, we’d be nice and organized and clutter free by then! 🙂 It’s easier said then done though. Off to scour the site for tips on where to start! 🙂
You’re right–it is easier said than done! Even if it’s just you. When there are other people involved, it gets tougher. But you’re also right that it would make moving so much easier. I think it makes everything easier…but again, easier said than done! You’ll find lots of great ideas on the site though–and of course the classes. 🙂
Love this article.. I agree different mindsets or tolerance for clutter can really cause conflicts between husbands and wives. Usually one partner is more organized than the other. Thanks for the tips, now i understand why sometimes hubby gets upset with my clutter. Yup it’s the other way around, it is he who is more organized. But reading your article made me understand his perspective. I guess it’s time to meet halfway to lessen the arguments. Thanks for sharing your tips.
Thanks, Amanda, and good luck! It’s not always easy to meet halfway, but making the effort has really helped me.
I am definitely the organizer in our family. I was a stay-at-home, home-schooling and home business mother of five stair-stepped kids, so I HAD to be organized. Now the kids have gone on to college and their lives, and it is just the hubby and I. He is okay with clutter as long as it is not too overwhelming. We do have an agreement, similar to the others above. He has his side of his closet, and keeps it how he wishes; as do I. He keeps his night stand and bureau how he wants, and I keep mine how I want. But, he knows that if there is company coming over, I will be the “whirlwind” cleaner, and his clutter may be hidden somewhere at that time. We also have an agreement that he has complete reign over the garage (his putzing area), and I have complete reign over my craft room. So far….so good! 🙂 Thanks for the article!
“But since we’ve chosen to live together, we’ve each made compromises.” I hardly hear this from couples and blogs…that both sides are compromising simply because you are living together. Yes on so many levels! We choose this path, we must find ways to make it work. We homeschool 4 kids, my husband and 2 of my kids are keepers, and I’m up against a mountain and lifetime of stuff. However, when I get outside or leave my house, it doesn’t bother me. So as we say, perspective is everything. We do try and keep our messes to certain areas, and keep common spaces tidy, but even that is a struggle when I’m working on a project and need more workspace, or my hubby is, or even my kids! We sometimes all need a little more grace at home and with each other. BTW My common areas are very tidy between 10pm and 7am, its just too bad that no one sees it!